Reflections

Its coming up to nearly a year since I had Little Miss L. A whole year. Its gone so fast. Everybody told me it would, but I didn't believe them. Especially in those first few months when sleep was scarce and I'd find myself still in my pyjamas at midday because I was so caught up with feeding, nappy changing, etc...

I remember this time last year how nervous I was... not about actually having a baby, but moreso because the future of my health and my babys health was up in the air. I had cancer in my upper vagina. I had a baby who was going to be born 2 months early. I was so scared for both of us. Had the cancer spread? Will the baby be ok? Will its (we didn't know if Little Miss L was a girl or boy at that stage) lungs be strong enough? Will it have developmental problems? Will I even be able to see it grow up?

I found out about the cancer when I was 10 weeks pregnant. I despised that cancer. It deprived me of having a 'normal' pregnancy. Of enjoying it fully. Of doing birthing classes. Meeting other expectant Mums and Dads. And tours of the hospital. I was so excited to be pregnant and it didn't take us long to fall pregnant either. But the c-word just put a massive dampener on everything. I tried to forget about it, and sometimes I would, but mostly I didn't. I tried to be positive, and mostly I was, but there were some days where I was so so immensely sad. I remember being out at the shops early on in my pregnancy and seeing a beautiful, glowing pregnant lady with a nice big bump. I was jealous of her seemingly 'perfect' pregnancy, and I left the shops, and cried and cried and cried. How unfair. Why did this happen to me?

But then I turned a corner, and I realised how extremely lucky I was to be pregnant at all. To be expecting a baby. To have found the cancer when we did BECAUSE of the baby. And that's how I carried on for the rest of my pregnancy - living each day knowing how lucky I was, and feeling in my heart that everything would be ok. And it was. And it is.

And now Little Miss L is nearly one. And is very healthy and happy. And we are very blessed.

And my cancer is gone, but also along with my reproductive system.

And so Little Miss L will have no siblings. And I am ok with that... Well, I thought I was ok with that. But now a couple of my friends are expecting their second child, and its only hit me that we are not going to have any more children. This is us. Forever. Just us three. Peas in a pod. And one day I will have to explain to Little Miss L why she doesn't have a brother or sister. And I will tell her everything. And I will tell her that she is so special to me and Mr B. She is my little angel. My little savior.

C xo